General Information

Text Box: Laughter has always been a tonic. One or two doses to be taken daily.

Which man won?

Little Charlotte was at her first wedding and was enthralled by the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”

Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one.”

The Parish of Dalton with Ireleth and Askam

Deanery: Furness Diocese: Carlisle

New Life Funnies

New Life Funnies

Inspection

My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base’s gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards. As a friendly competition, my husband’s squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as a driving licence, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.

The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.

Text Box: For eternity A Catholic, a Baptist and an Anglican all died and went to heaven. St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and led them through to a hallway lined with doors. These, he explained, led to the places where each would spend eternity. For the Roman Catholic, Peter pointed to a heavily carved dark wooden door and said, “Step right in there.” the Catholic opened it up to find a chapel lined with stained-glass windows and candles. He gasped with delight, “A church!” and rushed inside, knelt and started to count his rosary. Peter turned to the Baptist and pointed to another door, with posters on it. The Baptist opened it to find a canvas tent filled with people singing and waving their arms to a lively band and guitar playing pastor. “A praise meeting!” He rushed in and joined the crowd. Finally Peter turned to the Anglican, and guided him to a quiet brown wood door. Inside was a large table with people seated around, shuffling papers and looking faintly bored. The Anglican clapped his hands to his face in happiness. “A PCC meeting!”

THE Seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when his 4-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven.” the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

There are three religious truths:

A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

C. Baptists and Methodists do not recognize each other in the off-license.

New International Bible for Cats

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created expensive furniture so that the cat would have objects whereon to sharpen its claws.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litter box.