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Smart Ben, aged five, was getting ready to move up a class at school. He was happy, but puzzled. “Mum,” he said, “I don’t understand why my teacher doesn’t move up too. She knows almost as much as I do.” |
The Parish of Dalton with Ireleth and Askam |
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Deanery: Furness Diocese: Carlisle |
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New Life Funnies |
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New Life Funnies |
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Door of Heaven An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!” |
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Say a prayer Young James and his family sat down to Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. When James received his plate, he started eating right away. “James! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied. “Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We always pray before eating at home.” “That’s at our house,” James protested. “This is grandma’s house, and she can cook!” |
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Prayer equality When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?” She replied, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men.’” |
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Bank on it One bank wrote to a customer: Roses are red, violets are blue, please come and talk to us, you overdrew. |
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Volcano A recent letter that appeared in The Independent newspaper: “Following the recent interruption to air travel, I find myself out of pocket, due to what I am informed is an “act of God.” to avoid future financial embarrassment, please could you recommend an atheist insurance company?” |
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Bank holiday break
It’s nice to see people with plenty of get-up-and-go, especially if some of them are visiting you. |
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True A Sunday School teacher recently asked her pupils “Does anyone know any of the miracles that Jesus performed?” “One youngster put his hand up and said, “Yes, he cured people who had leopards.” |
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Hearing A man went into a church and asked the minister to pray for his hearing. “Oh, certainly,” said the minister, somewhat taken aback. The man knelt and the minister placed a hand carefully on each ear. In a loud voice he asked God to help the man with his hearing. “I hope that will help,” he shouted to the man. “Well, we won’t know for a while,” the man replied softly, “it isn’t until next month.” |
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Zoo One day Joe’s mother turned to Joe’s father and said, “It’s such a nice day, I think I’ll take Joe to the zoo.” “I wouldn’t bother,” said father. “If they want him, let them come and get him!” |
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Babysitter A young girl was babysitting for the first time—beginning her shift shortly after supper and as the children were playing in front of the house. At bedtime she sent all the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch TV. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young girl kept sending him back. At 9pm, the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbour, Mrs. Brown, who asked anxiously whether her son was there. The babysitter brusquely replied, “No.” Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, “I’m here Mum but she won’t let me go home.” |